Perhaps because of this, I'm kind of starting to doubt myself for a number of reasons. I used to think that I could deal. You know...with "it." Whatever "it" was. I frequently tell myself to "get a helmet" and all that "that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger" bullshit. But, I might be just about "full." I'm grateful for my abilities to recognize this and am hopeful that I'll be able to act on this recognition and be able to start saying "no."
Now that the damned Star Party is done, I can breathe a little easier and move on to the next thing, at least with my job. I do, still, love my job, the people for whom I work, and the people with which I work. I feel like it's nicely predictable, too. And, the unpredictability is predictable, if that makes any sense at all. I've been in the game long enough to know what to expect, even when it's unexpected.
It's the rest of this crap that's throwing me off. I used to relish the Unknown and thrive on the challenge that the Unpredictable would present for me. The creative problem solving surrounding difficult circumstances would energize me. I've gotta tell you, though, lately it's just flat-out scaring the shit out of me. Sorry for the harsh language, but, that's about it. Matt and I have been making some tough decisions lately, and we routinely come back to what has become our working mantra: The right decision is not always the easy decision. So, we're moving forward making the right (we believe) although definitely not easy choices.
I'm going to take a moment, too, to dote on my fabulous husband. I cannot imagine a better partner and co-pilot for this journey that has become our lives. I would say that I lucked out, but I really don't think that luck had too much to do with it. We chose, and we chose wisely. And, we [hopefully] continue to make good choices. Hopefully we're teaching our spawn to make good choices, too. Let's not romanticize this too much, though. There are definitely days when I want to run away to the local pastry shop and bury my head in a vat of frosting.
But, it's ok. We're ok. It's going to work out. Welcome to our 30's. I whole-heartedly belive that this is part of the natural progression of life, and that the choices that we make along the way define who we are and our priorities. So, we're up for it. We're prioritizing, and we're going to make it. It's not going to be easy, but it will be right. Saddle up.